sometimes i wish i could give up on my life. my life is monochromatic,just black and white. no addition of new,fresh color,just a slight grey here and there. bumpy road of life. sharp thorns poking on my feet. the heat scorches me. the rain wash me away...away from being sane.
when i cried,nobody here to persuade me. to whisper "it's gonna be OK". am i that ignorant or people isolated me because of my bizarre habit? i can't be like a normal person.i am who i am.not a copycat,backstabber or perfection-seeker.is there any place in this damned world that i can fit in?
i take my life for granted. good chances are displayed in front of me and i simply ignore it. i want to enjoy my life,slowly and cherish the moments. i hate it when people put burden on my shoulders. it's hard when people expect me to accomplish something that beyond my abilities. i have own life to live,but it feels like i've been cursed bound to do what people forced me to do. and the choice to say "NO" wasn't on my side.
a lot of thing happened to me and out of nowhere,people asked how i'm handling my problems. they thought i'm superb without knowing that i sobbed alone. and here,while i'm typing this entry,my tears sprang.although i look like a tough nut,but inside i'm just drowning,feeling weak. unable to lead my life perfectly.i'm breakable,though.i could shattered just in one blow.
why do i have to feel like this? it's painful,as hell.
I want to bite a brick
I want to crush a steel.
I want to tear every-damn-thing off.
I can do those things using my teeth.
With my aching molar (a.k.a gigi geraham)
Sure as hell the wisdom tooth is about to make its first public appearance.
A new addition to my teeth community.
Yeah,gigi ni nampak je macam tak penting,tapi bila sakit azab tu Allah je yang tahu.That feeling is like...
"Mana playar?? Aku nak cabut gigi sendiri!!"
Mathematical reasoning ? nayy..
If any of my family members or relatives find out my blog, i'm gonna delete this blog and jump from level-17-bangunan-FSK uitm puncak alam. ahaha ;)
Entah kenapa petang-petang ni homesick puloks. Badly,badly miss my home. abah. mak. adik adik. kucing(s). wifi. overloaded-with-food fridge All these hectic-ness frenzy-ness (?) life as student always keeps me busy. Kadang-kadang terlupa nak call mak sampai seminggu, mesej pun jarang sampai mak tanya lama tak contact. sorry mak,life here is damn busy!
yeahh,all those so-called connecting-people so-sial social networks memang la memudahkan nak contact our loved ones . tapi.....abah pun sibuk jugak,wechat tak reply, fb kekadang ja online.
5 tahun aku kat mrsm merbok,kedah.
1 tahun aku kat uitm puncak alam.
4 tahun akan-datang-degree-entah-kat-mana.
i hardly have time to be at home. i missed all those precious time whenever i came home during school and semester breaks. masak-masak dengan mak. kacau abah punya kawasaki *bila abah pegi kerja*. baca diary adik *damn!* main dengan kucing aku. buatkan susu kat adik kocik,tapi dia dah tak minum susu, malu katanya. dah naik darjah satu minum susu dalam botol lagi. muahahaha!!
p/s: that's why i'll be dead meat finely-chopped if any of my family members found this blog. heck!!!
Today,is the worst day of my life.I got a call from my I-used-to-hate brother but he couldn't get through me because I dunno his phone number and I thought it was some crazy dudes *Lots of mysterious people called me this week*.So he called me using my mum's phone and BOOM!!BOOM!!BOOM!!He told me,my cat our cat,Puteh died from food poisoning.
Shocked across my mind.
My breath knocked out of me.
I lost my balance.
I can't believe that I had lost one of my love.
Then I got out of my house,pretending to call my sister but actually I found a good spot to hide and cried out loud and watched her pictures.It was a hard moment for me.Patut la aku rasa macam nak balik rumah ja lepas habis kelas kemarin.Rupanya dia nak mati.And now she's dead and my brother had buried her already.
I still remember the sweet moments when we slept together.
I still remember her craving for Smartheart jelly food.
I still remember the sound she made when she jumped from the kitchen bar *fish-hunting time*.
I still remember her purr when she slept soundly.
I still remember her big stomach when she was pregnant.
I still remember her mate,a white short-tail tomcat but very seductive!
I still remember the moment when my mum brought her home.She found Puteh in the middle of night and it was raining heavily.we were at our hometown when we took her as our pet.Puteh,was a cute kitten,hunger for her mother's milk and love and comfort.
I still remember every single thing about my cat.
She's dead.
She's dead.
She's dead.
She's dead,leaving her two children.
I'm still thinking what I want in my life.
I have no ideas what I want to write on the blank pages of my life.
Flawless life,everyone's dream.
But still,there's no perfection in life.
Perfectly imperfect,is what we call.
I just want a beautiful yet smooth life.
I'd always imagined how my life would be.
And all I ever want is a beautifully-stretched life.
Even though is quite beauti-dully life,I'm still okay.
My life is all about surviving to keep me floating on the surface.
Whatever comes in my life,I'll face it and I'll say I'm fine.
